OKay so yeah everything has been a roller coaster... part of me thinks that yeah this is the actual reason i am sick, not cause im pregnant, which now im not even sure of anymore. cause those things tend not to be accurate correct? Well it'll make HIM happy to know that.
Why, do i honestly do this to myself? Why do i go through with it all, WHY AM I STILL ATTACHED i mean come one, its not like this whole time, its been my fault, its not like i ever wanted the drama i went through. but i put up with it EVERY single time. KAT your fucking stupid thats all i have to say! i mean i wish i could be one of those girls who were strong enough to have let go the first time. but the thing is. i didnt. i stayed and put up with the bull shit i got. its been fucking hard, but i did it. then there he is going out with another girl. and i still cant get a hint? this is bad, this is really bad. ITs gotten so bad, that i even considered taking my life again!! what the hell. so its been a couple years since i felt like that. but shit!
I see now why my sister is bitter, i see now why Ivy is bitter, i understand. its not that i hate her, its just that shes done some shitty things to me, and apparently im just suppose to forgive and forget. no she stole him from me, and thats what pisses me off, REALLY! Shes the other girl, while we were still trying to figure things out, she stepped in the way and blocked that road for him. I know right now i may sound like a psychotic bitch but this is how i truely feel, far be it from me, if anyone will really know. WHY cant i just say all the things that i wanna say?
I know people go through heartbreak, but what is this? this is hurting so much more! is it because i know that me and HIM are awesome together we always have been, but ever since MONKEY SHITS came into play hes changed, and honestly not for the better. Hes a good guy, i know it, but hes just made some shitty mistakes in my eyes. whats up with the whole lying shit? why do I deserve it, Ive always wanted the best for him. and all i really wanted was the truth, i mean sure i will get mad, but who the fuck doesnt when they hear something they dont like. but at the same time id appreciate it more, than actually going through that shit of finding out from my friends who found out from HIS friends.
i dont wanna bag on him really, cause i know that myself, ive changed i have but im happier with the most of the changes in my life, FUCK as shy as i am, im getting better with self confidence, i dont become a blubbering fuck when it comes to shit like that. i dont know what it is about me? that i hate cause truthfully i dont see any changes that i havent liked so far you know?
He tells me that he still loves me... does he really? i mean if thats the truth then WHY is he with her?? i know sometimes i do play mind games yeah i admitt there are somethings that i wish he would just deny the whole thing, but he doesnt. when i broke up with him he didnt even try to keep me. I WANT HIM, I NEED him. but i have to try and keep a straight face, i cant show emotion when it comes to me, i mean even if it hurts so much that i feel like im dying inside, i cant let them see, cause if i do then ive shown them that ive given up and thats not the case.
I understand now what the difference of loving someone and being IN love with someone. is he still in love with me? who knoes...