geez i cant believe i thought it was actually over. duh do you forget who you're dealing with?? THis is RJ and JENN. appearently they are IN love and i was just a side fuck you know? but silly me i took that anyways. why do i get the feeling im being used. actually i pretty much know that i am being used. WHY ARE U DOING THIS TO ME?

so ok the last what week or two. I thought things were fine and dandy right, trying to get back on track and what not. then i find hes still calling her. okay okay so thats not as bad. but i just got like a gut feeling. whatevs but then as of late. he doesnt tell me he loves me anymore but i dont force that because i "know" that he does and i dont want to question. but then he blogs, and what now you ask? he talks about his trip home, where his HIghs were the highest he could ever be. which means probably all the times he was with her, and the really low lows that made him feel "icky" yeah whats that suppose to mean?? that im just some dirty pile of shit? probably huh? so he probably just loves me, but is still IN LOVE with her. so will this be the last straw for me? probably not. but FUCK there are going to be some major tears shed cause im a STUPID FUCK!

So yes yes friends life is shitty... VERY VERY shitty, but ill get through it one way or another i hope...

The City lights up
as the sky darkens,
my path is blurred
by my burning tears
as i look below
the world keeps turning
makes me wonder
will anyone know?
will anyone care?

I look for an escape,
but all i see is fear
all i feel is lonliness
When will it end? The feelings i feel
The pain is torture.

I want you to be happy
My words ring true
ill always love you

OKay so yeah everything has been a roller coaster... part of me thinks that yeah this is the actual reason i am sick, not cause im pregnant, which now im not even sure of anymore. cause those things tend not to be accurate correct? Well it'll make HIM happy to know that.
Why, do i honestly do this to myself? Why do i go through with it all, WHY AM I STILL ATTACHED i mean come one, its not like this whole time, its been my fault, its not like i ever wanted the drama i went through. but i put up with it EVERY single time. KAT your fucking stupid thats all i have to say! i mean i wish i could be one of those girls who were strong enough to have let go the first time. but the thing is. i didnt. i stayed and put up with the bull shit i got. its been fucking hard, but i did it. then there he is going out with another girl. and i still cant get a hint? this is bad, this is really bad. ITs gotten so bad, that i even considered taking my life again!! what the hell. so its been a couple years since i felt like that. but shit!
I see now why my sister is bitter, i see now why Ivy is bitter, i understand. its not that i hate her, its just that shes done some shitty things to me, and apparently im just suppose to forgive and forget. no she stole him from me, and thats what pisses me off, REALLY! Shes the other girl, while we were still trying to figure things out, she stepped in the way and blocked that road for him. I know right now i may sound like a psychotic bitch but this is how i truely feel, far be it from me, if anyone will really know. WHY cant i just say all the things that i wanna say?
I know people go through heartbreak, but what is this? this is hurting so much more! is it because i know that me and HIM are awesome together we always have been, but ever since MONKEY SHITS came into play hes changed, and honestly not for the better. Hes a good guy, i know it, but hes just made some shitty mistakes in my eyes. whats up with the whole lying shit? why do I deserve it, Ive always wanted the best for him. and all i really wanted was the truth, i mean sure i will get mad, but who the fuck doesnt when they hear something they dont like. but at the same time id appreciate it more, than actually going through that shit of finding out from my friends who found out from HIS friends.
i dont wanna bag on him really, cause i know that myself, ive changed i have but im happier with the most of the changes in my life, FUCK as shy as i am, im getting better with self confidence, i dont become a blubbering fuck when it comes to shit like that. i dont know what it is about me? that i hate cause truthfully i dont see any changes that i havent liked so far you know?
He tells me that he still loves me... does he really? i mean if thats the truth then WHY is he with her?? i know sometimes i do play mind games yeah i admitt there are somethings that i wish he would just deny the whole thing, but he doesnt. when i broke up with him he didnt even try to keep me. I WANT HIM, I NEED him. but i have to try and keep a straight face, i cant show emotion when it comes to me, i mean even if it hurts so much that i feel like im dying inside, i cant let them see, cause if i do then ive shown them that ive given up and thats not the case.
I understand now what the difference of loving someone and being IN love with someone. is he still in love with me? who knoes...

Fuck, what am i to do?
Its not like i planned this to happen, but the thing is, IT DID. Im not happy with it, but im not going to work myself up about it.
I KNOW WE'RE NOT A FUCKING COUPLE, it aint my fault... well maybe partly
but its not fair, its not fair asking what hes asking. I DONT WANT TO DO IT THAT WAY, Ita against everything i am. while he makes a good point, its a consequence we have to take.

my head hurts, write later

you like that tittle dont you? Geez i dont even know if i spelled that right... anywho. um so here i am at the bakery... whats new?
lol so yeah im kinda irked right now. im not sure how im suppose to feel. i just bleh. MOST of my life? its good, great even, guard im doing pretty good, i love my friends that are in it! we had a regional i myself did a good job, i cant say so much for like my whole team, ya know? first day we got a 68.2.4.6.8 dont know which one then we went down to a 66 bleh, not so good huh? oh well
Friday, left at around 1:30ish and we didnt get there till like 4 ehhhh took awhile. then yah ummm what else? went to the mall and we also ate out at cocos much fun. sunday i got back home, i was tired as a mother. so i called RJ and we met up. its good to see him after all this time you know. everything was kind of awkward. did the thing, i tried to avoid the most. and then he had to leave to see HER and they went bowling shit whatever! saw pictures, she looks like a fat cow! but hey whatever floats his boat. hahah sorry im mean i know. but what am i suppose to say i love the way she looks cause i dont? dude if he went out with someone prettier id feel so much better but it aint like that.
hahah i lost track. ermm lets see family is good for the most part

so im still confused, im still scared, im still mad, im angry, i didnt realize how angry i was until i thought about it, if im so much better than this, then why do i feel like shit, why cant i get over it? why cant i MOVE ON, i tell myself this all the time, but i want ugh.

save me? i need help, i want help, im beggin
::breath in, breath out::
::inhale, exhale:::

i want to scream, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

oh wee....
Shit i hate life at the moment, im just so fucking tired, to get away from it all, would be nice... very nice! i wish life were simple,

it would hve been nice if i werent here right now, I had were married had a kid, out on my own with a stable job, shit i cant wait till that day comes.

havent done you know, this blog in such a long ass time! and i know its pretty much me that reads this but oh well =D at least i know that i can put my thoughts and feelings without anyone getting all bent out of shape so Woo Hoo! but anywho.
well things have changed from me and "the one" i finally had the guts to let go myself, i didnt wait for him to get so mad @ me for him to just leave. i feel relieved yet so empty now
i mean then it was ok when we were together cause i knew one day he would be coming back. and now that hes going to iraq it was just like "WHOA" and what not, and the dream of us was just speeding away from me...
ill finish laterz

dang i havent written in the piece for a LoooooOoOoOng while... no one really reads it anyway! so thats good!
AccK! its raining over here in San Diego BLEh! yuck dont like. well ill finish this later

Well... its been a week and a half since RJ has left...Feeling lonelier than ever. But thank you to my friends who are always there for me! I dont know what i would do without you! But yeah i find shocking things out when he is gone. I wish it were just like old times where i would see him everday =/ I miss him every day no every hour no every minute no every single second, everysingle breath that i take....